Once upon a time, I had a lot of time on my hands (apparently) and wrote a short story about Christmas. Being the intelligent person that I was, I didn't finish it until after Christmas, and decided that it would stay safely on my hard drive until the next holiday season. Which was a bad idea, since my hard drive did not survive that long. However, thanks to the miracle of gmail, I've discovered the story again and this week am presenting it in segments. Here's part 1:
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all around the world, the sky was dark and snowflakes twirled1. Still, not everyone was filled with the spirit of Christmas. In a desolate snow-filled field, a lonely figure stood, watching the stars.
As the snowstorm grew in strength, another figure strode up. This figure, though, wore a ridiculous looking top hat.
“They got you too?” the first figure said.
“Yeah” the second responded “they just stuck a top hat on my head, said it had ‘magic’ in it and all of the sudden, thumpedy thump thump, thumpedy thump thump, off I went. Name’s Frosty, by the way”
“They didn’t even bother to give me a name” the first said “they just pretended I was Parson Brown, and then they abandoned me, and I ended up here. Didn’t even care about what I thought. God, I hate them.”
“Me too” Frosty said. “Let’s stay here, and never go back to them again.”
“Works for me” the first figure responded.
The two figures stood together in the field, and the snow started falling harder than ever. After a while, a small red light appeared in the distance. Slowly, it approached the two lonely figures. Before long, it had arrived—nine reindeer pulling an overweight man in a sleigh.
“Ho ho ho!” Santa said (for that was, of course, who the overweight balding man was). “I sense a distinct lack of Christmas cheer!”
“It’s not our fault” Frosty said. “We’ve been abused by the mainstream media for so long that we’ve decided to boycott Christmas until they treat us better, or at least give us some royalties”
“Hmmm…royalties…that’s not such a bad idea” Santa said. “I know what you mean about being abused, though. Can you imagine all the crap I have to do to keep up with all their expectations? How am I supposed to be able to see everyone while they’re sleeping, and know when they’re awake? Well what about when I want to sleep? Eh? You think they ever give me any time to sleep? Nooo…I haven’t gotten even a wink in the past 2,000 years. And they think they can make up for it by leaving me milk and cookies one night a year. ONE MEASLY NIGHT! You know, I’ve been about to quit several times now. I get all ready to quit and then, all of the sudden “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus”. The next time I try to get out of this, bam, Miracle on 34th Street. You know, I think I’ll sit here and join you guys then. Rudolph, everyone else, go ahead and take a break!”
After a while, Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer, came over to Frosty and whispered in his ear.
“Pssst” Rudolph said “Can I join you guys? I’d do anything to get out of this negative work environment.”
“Negative work environment?” Santa yelled, overhearing, “you have a negative work environment? What about me!!”
“You don’t have to put up with these bozos” Rudolph responded, indicating the other eight reindeer. “They’re total suck-ups! First they don’t like me at all, or let me play in any of their reindeer games, but then Santa says he likes me and whaddya know, they all love me and shout out with glee!”. “Plus.” He said, indicating Santa “you’ve gained a lot of weight the past few years”.
“Stupid Atkins diet…” Santa mumbled “they told me it would work”.
“Still” the first snowman said “all these other people like Christmas. Maybe we’re missing the whole point of it.”
“I can tell you what Christmas is all about” said Linus from Peanuts, who had magically appeared in the middle of the group. “I can tell you the True Meaning of Christmas. Lights, please”
1 Except, of course, for the large part of the world where the climate renders this impossible. But they wouldn't have snowmen there either. Hmmm. Ignore this note.To Be Concluded...